My mum’s been gone 14 years today. Over the years the unbearable has become somewhat bearable but there are still days when her being gone weighs heavy on my soul and it suffocates me. I get a kind of panic attack when I remember that she’s dead, as in not coming back, ever. As if I’m newly bereaved. As if she’d just died.
My last night in Morocco last week, when I suddenly recalled that she would not be home when I got back to Singapore, a sense of dread took over me and a great big sob rose from my chest. I had to plead with myself to be okay, please be okay, because I knew this already, this is not a surprise, she’s been dead so long, please, please.
This song is so emotional for me because of the last two lines.
I sometimes wish I’d stayed inside my mother
Never to come out
I lived in her womb way past my due date. She was my first home and I didn’t want to leave. I must’ve known. I had to be evicted by way of a scalpel. I yearn for a time I don’t remember.
God, I miss her. I will never not miss her. I was 18 years and nine months when she died and I’m 32 years and nine months now and it will never not shock me that my beloved mother is no more. There is nowhere in the world I could go where I will not miss my mother.