Someone like you and all you know and how you speak

I was thinking last night about my best friend. She’s not my best friend anymore, not really, but neither is she my former best friend per se. She’s a best friend I don’t talk to anymore. Can that be a thing? Can someone you don’t talk to anymore still be considered a best friend, or a friend at all?

I talk to her all the time though. I have imaginary conversations with her all the time. How sad and pathetic does that sound? It’s the truth. When I have something to talk about, or complain, it’s her I think about. It’s her I pretend I’m talking to. It’s her who is laughing with me or empathising with me. Out of all the best friends I’ve had in this life, she is my favourite. She is five years younger than me but she really, really gets me and we always have fun.

We hadn’t talked for five months before she texted me saying she was sorry and that she missed me very much and could we go back to normal again? But I was still mad. So even though I said, “Apology accepted,” I also said, “But I don’t think we can go back to normal.” I waited an hour before sending her that. I probably should have waited longer. Maybe I would have sent her something else.

We’ve texted each other twice since then, but it was me who initiated the conversation, even though it was her who was keen to rebuild the friendship in the first place. She was genial and seemed interested in the goings-on in my life beyond what I initially texted her about, so I waited for her to initiate contact with me on other days. But she didn’t, hasn’t, won’t. Maybe what I said was too off-putting, even for her. Maybe she thinks I’m a bitch and it’s pointless to be friends with a bitch. Like I said, I probably should have waited longer to send her that message. Because I would have sent her something else.

While I was thinking about her last night I wanted so much to text her and tell her I miss her and this time be the one to ask if we could go back to normal. But I stopped myself. What is “normal” anymore? We haven’t seen each other for far too long. It would be much too awkward. I’m far too proud. Pick one. Or all. Whatever it is, it’s not gonna happen. And it sucks.


4 thoughts on “Someone like you and all you know and how you speak

  1. This is so ironic! I was just thinking the same thing about my “best friend” a few weeks ago. I said to my sister, “do you know who I kinda miss every once in a while?” and she knew: DM.

    Like you say, I am too proud as well. I haven’t spoken to her in almost two years — after my surgery last year in January, she kind of slipped out of my circle and waited a few months until I was back on my feet aka “back to normal” before reaching out to me about going to the movies.

    I think that as you grow up, people come into and out of your lives and you cherish all of them and appreciate those who want to stay. Truth with DM is yes, I do sometimes miss her and we did have over 10 years’ worth of friendship, but our values have changed, and like you, I’m ALWAYS the one to initiate.

    If you really do miss her and feel compelled to reach out to her, think hard about it, and don’t let your pride stop you. I certainly don’t feel as compelled on my end as you do.

    1. So did you take her up on her offer? How did you say no? How did you say yes?

      Friendship breakups that are not the result of an outright fight but instead from one party slipping away from the other are the most frustrating. I need closure and this kind of ending does not provide closure.

      I’ve decided that even though I miss her and our friendship, I don’t actually want it back. I just miss her, plain and simple, without wanting anything out of it. What is, is both too much and too little and I don’t want it. I’m just going to miss her quietly and let it be and let it go, quietly.

  2. I went *years* without talking to my best friend and it was weird at first, then I got use to it… then we reconnected. I can’t say things are the SAME, but they’re good and he’s definitely still my best friend. Always will be. That’s what happens when you bond over Disney princesses when you are 5. You are BFFs and that doesn’t change, even when the relationship does.

    Text her. Tell her you miss her and you’d like to start over. Declare a do-over. Things don’t have to be the same, but they can still be good and real and true. If she doesn’t reciprocate, at least you know you tried. No one can fault you with that.

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