All the things that stop you dreaming

20th Ramadan

I’m depressed about something right now that is simply too embarrassing to admit publicly, but just to give you an idea of how deeply this is affecting my psyche – I woke up suddenly the other night, an hour into my sleep, without rhyme or reason, and my first thought was, ‘I want my mum!’ This thought was followed closely by the cold, hard fact that my brain was quick to remind me: ‘Not possible. She’s dead!’ My reaction? A gasp; a sob; a shout into the darkness: ‘Why don’t I have a mother like everyone else?’

It was only by the grace of God that this period of wakefulness and sad realisation did not last long. I fell back asleep not long after. When I woke up in the morning, it took me a while to remember the incident, but when I did remember I felt totally, completely, utterly sorry for that crying girl at 2am. Do you know what it’s like to feel totally, completely, utterly sorry for yourself and knowing there is nothing you can do to change the truth?

On top of everything else, this is me, at 27 going on 28, nearly nine years after my mother died, still crying for her. This is my life.

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7 thoughts on “All the things that stop you dreaming

  1. I don’t think you ever get over that. Especially when you lost her so young. I know my mom still cries for her dad from time to time and it’s been almost 10 years since he passed away.

    And he was in his 70s, I believe.

    Don’t ever feel bad for wishing she were still around. That doesn’t make you weird or pathetic in any way, shape or form. ((Hugs))

  2. Being without a mom is very hard, and I am at a loss for words that would give you the comfort that you deserve. There are some things you don’t get over, but those painful experiences do make one more sensitive to the pain of others. I can relate to being up at two am, bemoaning my fate. I think the best thing to do is cry it out, call a friend, and then get out into nature if you can. Being outside fixes a lot. More hugs!

      1. I am not motherless. I bemoan my fate because of other things, but you are most definitely not alone! Not even a little bit! Keep writing! I’m listening. Love and light!

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