I wanted to

I almost did something crazy tonight. I have been toying with the idea for months, but this was the first time that I came truly close to doing it. I was minutes from reaching home – Adele bellowing in my ears – when it suddenly occurred to me: I’m on the right bus, the timing is perfect…why the hell not?! All I needed was a glance. One miserable glance. No, I would not disturb the scene. I would be inconspicuous, quiet as a mouse. Honestly, if I had just sat on the bus for 20 more minutes, I would be guaranteed that, and my curiosity would be satisfied forever. I would not be happy I did it, but I would be happy I’ve done it. Yes, there’s a difference. But…it would also doubtlessly result in one thunderous crack resonating from within my chest and an actual, honest to goodness memory that would forever be emblazoned in my mind. Do I want that? …NO. So I got off the bus. I did not continue the journey to Pathetic-Loserville. I went home.

A lot is going on. Nothing is going on. A whole lot of nothing is going on.

I quit my job. I’m sleeping all through the night. I rekindled my relationship with religion. I have had long, relaxing sessions of pilates and long, relaxing showers with my cranberry scrub. I take 4km walks. I eat scrambled eggs made with sour cream. I’m addicted to Breaking Bad. I took an Excel class and had lunch with cute 19-year-old boys. I bought $200 worth of clothing from asos.com. My eyelid is no longer twitching. But I do still cry a lot. And I sure as hell scream at inanimate objects (when they fall out of my hands; when they malfunction; when they stab me) a lot.


10 thoughts on “I wanted to

  1. That’s where you went! I was wondering why I never saw your post then realized that I wasn’t loading the friends page on WP because everyone else I follow on WP is on my google reader.

    Either way…

    WHAT?! You quit your job? Are you in the market for a new one or are you taking a mini-vacation? Congrats on sleeping through the night; that’s always a good thing and will definitely help you out with everything else.

    1. Most definitely in the market for a new one. How could I afford Sprance 2012 otherwise? 😛 I hope it is soon. Lordy, am I bored.

      I had forgotten how fabulous sleeping through the night feels. I’m glad to be reminded of it again.

  2. I know it’s hard to be without a job, but it’s even harder to live with working somewhere you feel is morally wrong. Hope you find something you like soon, but in the meantime, be gentle with yourself.

    And you got off the bus. Good girl. Think of it as a metaphor for you getting off the bus to crazytown. 🙂

    1. Thanks, Chelsea. You’re right. The fact that my eyelid has stopped twitching and I’m sleeping properly again is obviously connected to the job.

      Ahh, the bus to crazytown. 🙂 Can’t promise I won’t be tempted again, but if I got off once, I can surely get off again. Hopefully.

  3. Congrats on quitting that job. It sounded like it was causing you waaaay too much stress and I wish you much luck in finding something new and better.

    I think you’ll find, in the meantime, that a little time off does wonders for your mood. I hope you start crying less. (Screaming at inanimate objects… that’s fine and normal.)

  4. you know, I probably would have stayed on the bus. I’ve got no willpower like that 🙂

    It sounds like you definitely made the right decision about your job! good luck in the hunt… this little holiday will do you a world of good and refresh you for something new and better!

    1. Actually I haven’t got a lot of willpower either, but I couldn’t live through the shame of having done it. The prospect of shame is what stops me from doing most things these days. Heh.

      Am enjoying my holiday while it lasts, definitely.

    1. I was watching like four episodes a day and as I got close to the end, I rationed myself to just one a day, lol. Addicted isn’t even the right word to describe it! BB is amazing and I can’t wait for the next season.

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